Help Yourself
by Titan Dwarf
Summary: Can children ever just play pretend without any added on unorthedox extremes? In the mountain town of South Park, the answer is no. [Female!New Kid]


**Author's Note:** Both Stick of Truth and Fractured But Whole have effectively gotten me back into South Park, so much so that I had to be a geek and write a fanfiction; featuring our favorite douchebag. On the topic of those games, the timeline of this fic takes place after the events of them both respectively. Specifically, it begins the very next day after FBW ends. The protagonist won't have much personality to start, but that'll change as the story progresses.

As many episodes as I've seen, hopefully I can follow the humor without making it seem like I'm trying too hard.

This may or may not get bumped up to M at some point. Only because, ya know, South Park.

 **Summary:** Can children ever just play pretend without any added on unorthedox extremes? In the mountain town of South Park, the answer is no. [Female!New Kid]

 **©️A cartoon by Matt Stone & Trey Parker**

* * *

 _The Holy Stick_

* * *

Slowly cracking open her heavy eyelids, the chirping of birds outside her window was what she heard first. Though that was cut short, as she also heard the sound of a BB gun being fired, the bird squaking loudly in pain, and one of the neighbors yelling at the birds to "shut the hell up". She rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she sat up in bed, and as soon as the early morning grogginess left her head; she was able to clearly think about the happenings of yesterday. Most specifically, Cartman's hand puppet; Mitch Conner.

Though she's certain she didn't show it on her face, she was just as surprised as the others to find out that Cartman was basically the one behind so many of the cats in town going missing; and that it had all been part of a greater scheme to run South Park. Even that he'd blamed something that wasn't a real person, and that the town's citizens had taken it all seriously enough to actully vote for him. Could a child truly have _that_ much power over everyone, or were the residents of town just a bunch of retards?

...Nevertheless, at least they could go back to playing normally now.

Lazily tossing off her bed sheets, she jumped off her bed and onto the floor below. She then held out her arms and spun herself counter clockwise, as fast as she could, until she became the Amazing Butthole; clad in costume and all. A costume that did well at conceiling the fact she was a girl, if she did say so herself.

She left her room, shutting the door behind her, and made her short trek down the stairs before heading to the kitchen. Once there, she was greeted by her parents. Both of whom seemed to have been conversing before she entered, because her father, Chris, abruptly paused and put on a smile once he spotted his daughter.

"Morning champ!" he said, chipper as ever. Almost as if he and his wife hadn't been arguing all day everyday for the past week (which was, technically, true). "Did you sleep well?" She only blinked up at him, not peeping a word, which caused her father's smile to fall. "I'm just gonna assume that's a yes." he sighed.

"I bet you're ready for another fun filled day with your friends, aren't you sweetie?" her mother, Kelly, commented, a plate of pancakes in her hands as she finally turned around from the stove. "You're going to need a big, energy filled breakfast beforehand, my little superhero." she winked, sitting them down at the table. "Eat up, and then you can go outside and play." she stated, and her daughter immediately went to pull out her chair to sit down. Kelly picked up another plate from the counter and sat it down in front of Chris. "And here's a plate for my favorite man~" she cooed, giggling as she playfully tickled him under his chin.

"My favorite breakfast, from my favorite woman~" Chris cooed back, tickling her sides and peppering her face with kisses; causing Kelly to laugh loudly.

She watched her parents silently, awkwardly, as they played around like love sick teenagers. She supposed this was eons better than them having a scream off with one another, but somehow she felt as if she wouldn't be too bothered if they went back to that. She did cut off her father's head with a lazer in another realitly afterall, the yelling isn't shit compared to what that felt like.

After deciding to just ignore them both and eat her breakfast, she had been halfway through when their doorbell rang. "Oh, I wonder who that could be?" Kelly, who was now sat in Chris' lap and fork feeding him pancakes, questioned. She turned to her daughter. "Sweetie, could you be a dear and go see who's at the door for Mommy?"

 _'Yeah, because it's always a good idea for the **child** to answer the door.' _But she wouldn't say that. Instead, she put down her fork, jumped out of her seat, and took her time walking to the front door.

Unlocking all the locks and deadbolts, who she saw upon opening the door was none other than Butters; who was clad head to toe in his Paladin attire. He put a toy horn to his mouth and blew out a short, out of key, tune. "Gooood ' _morrow_ , your highness!" Butters exclaimed enthusiastically, bowing his head. "I cometh with a message from the Grand Wizard!" he stated. "He has business of great urgency he must discuss with you at once, my liege." he continued as he handed her a letter.

She held it in both her hands, and was just barely able to make out the handwritting that rivaled that of a tweeked out methhead.

 _Greetings, King Douchebag,_

 _The KKK is in dire need of their King, for matters of great significance are at our feet; ones that could change our Kingdom until the very end of time, for bad or for good._

 _...And that's all I have to say, so just fucking get here._

 _Signed, the totally awesome Grand Wizard_

She looked up at Butters after reading the poorly written note, to see he was twiddling his fingers and looking down at his feet. "Erm, I know you're probably confused New Kid, and please don't tell Cartman that I broke character, but..." he trailed, then looked up at her as he let his arms fall to the side. "W-Well, _he said_ that superheroes were for _pussies_ and that we weren't playing that anymore." Butters confessed, then shrugged his shoulders as he added: "So now we're playing Fighters of Zaron again." She had to mentally call bullshit on that one. Cartman was clearly just bitter still about Coon and Friends disbanding and joining forces with the Freedom Pals, thus leaving him without his "leadership" role. "But, anyway..." he cleared his throat, then spok again with a new robust. "The Grand Wizard awaits your arrival to the Kingdom, my liege." he said, taking the letter from her hands. "Do what you must to prepare, and I shall wait _right here_ to escort you to Kupa Keep!"

She stared at Butters for a few more seconds before shutting the door. Walking back into the kitchen, her parents were still there. "Who was it, honey?" Kelly asked, once she sat back down. "It sounded like that nice boy from next door. Butters is it?" her mother inquired, only to recieve no answer. Though, she didn't let that stop her from continuing. "Finish up so you can go play."

"And then _we_ can go play." Chris quietly, or what he thought was quiet, whispered to Kelly. She giggled and swatted his chest, while their daughter stared for a good second before quickly finishing her pancakes. She knew they wouldn't actually wait until she was gone first, and therefore wanted to leave as soon as possible. She quickly went upstairs to change out of her superhero attire and into her King garb, crown and all, before going back to the front door.

Once outside, she could see Butters had, in fact, waited for her just as he said he would. His smile got just a little bit brighter upon seeing her, "All ready, your highness?" He took her silence as his answer, and turned to begin walking down her driveway. "Great, to the Kingdom!"

* * *

 **xxx**

* * *

"Ah, King Douchebag." Cartman greeted, once she and Butters arrived in his backyard. "I've been anticipating your arrival. Thank you, Paladin Butters." he stepped up to Butters and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You've done well."

"Oh, _thank you_ Grand Wizard!" Butters said, graciously.

"King Douchebag, please, follow me inside." Cartman said, walking towards the big tent. "We must speak on this matter privately." She followed behind Cartman and into the tent, then sat down on her makeshift throne as Cartman stood off at her side. "Now that we're alone, do you know _why_ I called you here, my King." She sat there silently, and soon Cartman gave a fake, hardy laugh. "Oh, of _course_ not! But seriously, King, I called for you today because...what if I were to tell you...the stick was not truly lost?"

The stick wasn't lost? The Stick of Truth? _'Didn't we throw that piece of shit into the Lake...?'_ How did he still have it? Did he just find some new, random, stick and call it the Stick of Truth? _Lame_. "Your eyes hold much wonder, King Douchebag." Cartman commented, walking further away from the throne with his back turned. "I bet you're wondering, 'How could this be', hmm?" he paused, probably as some sort of dramatic effect. Though, this didn't last long, as he'd lost his composure and began to laugh uncontrollably. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh my God, I _totally_ swapped the real stick out with a fake after you got it back from the Elves the first time!" He continued to laugh, while she stared at Cartman blankly.

 _'It's...not that funny?'_ But, he continued on regardless until he finally wiped a fake tear away with a sigh, after he decided he was finished. "Ah, classic move. Classic move." he commented, before, sort of, returning to character. "I used a decoy for I had a feeling that the Elf King wasn't going to play fair, because, you know, he's a fucking dickbag Jew." Cartman stated. "But what I _hadn't_ accounted for was _Clyde_ being the one to sneak into the Kingdom to steal it from us during the late hours." His eyes narrowed and he pointed at her. "Because he was banished from fucking space and time and that's _bullshit!_ " he aggressively commented, then collected himself so he could continue. "I'd kept the _real_ stick tucked away in a secret hiding place."

 _'You were keeping it under your mattress.'_ She supposed that was somewhat of a good hiding spot anyway though. No soul would dare try to go under there.

"However, King, soon after the decoy was stolen by Clyde, I had decided it be best to keep the true stick in an even _greater_ hiding place. Somewhere the Elves, nor Clyde, would have ever thought to look. For its protection of course." he explained, before going off on another mini rant. "Which is something I would normally _never_ fucking do, because you don't trust just anybody with the most powerful relic in the entire fucking universe!" Cartman was sure to make very clear to her. "The _only_ reason I gave it to them was because they weren't, and would _never be_ , playing this game with us in the first place. Plus, Heidi owed me a favor."

 _'So you left the stick with the girls?'_ That definitley was very unlike Cartman, but he _was_ correct in that the others would have never thought the girls, of all the kids, had the stick.

"The Stick of Truth's true location is at the girl's playhouse." Cartman continued. "King Douchebag, you have been tasked with retrieving the stick from the girls and returning it to its rightful place here at Kupa Keep." he said as they both looked at the empty pedestal the stick was meant to go on. She jumped off her throne and followed Cartman outside as he continued to speak. "Feldspar the Thief and Princess Kenny will be accompanying you on your journey." She could see that Craig and Kenny had actually been waiting outside already once her and Cartman existed.

"Hey," Craig greeted as Kenny gave a wink and finger wave. She still found it odd that Clyde had been banned from ever playing Fighters of Zaron with them again just for failing to guard the stick. Yet, Kenny straight up betrayed them all for essentially nothing, attacked them even, and here he was still. At this point it was whatever, she supposed, but she had a feeling Cartman just never liked Clyde all that much.

"That's not how you fucking greet a King, _Feldspar!_ " Cartman exclaimed.

"Oh," Craig said, then bowed to her. "Greetings, oh merciful and powerful King Douchebag." he leaned back up and looked at Cartman. "Better?"

"Better," Cartman agreed. "Men, and Kenny," he began. "You have been assigned your task and may be on your way. Your citizens will be anxiously awaiting your return." With a nod of his head, the three left his backyard through his kitchen and soon his house all together.

"This is fucking gay, I wanted to be Super Craig." Craig commented as they began down the sidewalk. "And I thought we threw that thing into Stark's Pond."

" _We kinda shoulda known Cartman wouldn't really do that_." Kenny said, in his usual muffled tone.

"Yeah, that's true." Craig said. "I just hope after we get the stick back from the girls, that'll kind of just be the end of it." Considering they weren't at war with the Drowe Elves anymore. Since, you know, the Stick of Truth was suppose to be _gone_. Then maybe they can play something else.

" _I don't know_ ," Kenny chimed. " _I missed being a pretty princess_."

* * *

 **xxx**

* * *

"The four hundred and fourteenth meeting of the girls is hereby called to order," Wendy said from the highest seat at the podium. "Sparkle sparkle!" she exclaimed with a bang of her gavel.

"Sunshine!" the rest of the girls chimmed back.

"Sunshine, sparkle!" Bebe exclaimed from the lower left seat near Wendy. "We have many topics of discussion to get through today, girls." she said, straightening out some papers. "To start, Jennie, you have the floor."

"Sparkle!" Jennie exclaimed as she stood up, everyone in the room replying with an enthusiastic 'sunshine' and giving her their full attention. "If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we finally come to a conclusion concerning the rumors surrounding Bobby Wilks and Samantha Crowery." The girls all responded quite positively to that suggestion.

"I glitter that motion, Jennie." Heidi stated from beside Bebe. "Shall we hold a recap on the information we have gathered, girls?"

"Yeah!" "Totally!" "You know it, girlfriend!"

"Then it's decided," Wendy stated. She banged her gavel again. "First order of business, we'll hold a reshowing of the screenshots taken of their conversation over DMs from last month." She picked up a little remote that would bring down the projector screen near the end of the tables, but paused when the door opened. "Craig, Kenny, New Kid?" Wendy questioned as the three walked in.

"Who invited the _boys_ here?" Jennie questioned in disgust, causing some of the other girls to respond with a chorus of "ew" and "gross".

Wendy, however, was quick to hit her gavel down repeatedly to regain order. "Settle down girls! Sparkle sparkle!"

"Sunshine!"

"We don't usually appreciate surprise visits, especially not from the boys." Wendy bluntly stated, some of the other girls agreeing quickly. "But I can let it slide since we consider you one of us, New Kid." She waved her hand for them to come forward. "Please, step closer and state your business."

"We've travelled long and far," Craig began, once they were in front of the three. "We cometh to you today on request of Grand Wizard Cartman."

"Really?" Wendy inquired, her eyebrows raising with curiosity. "What does Eric want?"

"He has entrusted us with the task of retrieving the sacred relic, the Stick of Truth." Craig answered.

"Oooohh," Heidi said. "You mean that old stick thingy Eric made me keep for him?" She leaned down to pick up her backpack, which laid stationary at her side, and sat it in her lap. Unzipping the top, she removed a shoebox and took off its lid. She reached her hand inside for only a second and revield she did, in fact, have the stick in her possession when she removed it.

"You actually brought that here with you?" Bebe questioned, to which the girl nodded.

"Yeah, he told me to never leave it out of my sight. Or else, he was gonna burn my house down while me and my family were sleeping." she explained, as if that were something normal. It made New Kid wonder if she was used to hearing that type of talk from Cartman...

"That sucks," Bebe commented.

"Well, nevertheless, I guess here it is." Wendy said, as Heidi placed it back in the box. "If this is all you were here for then take it. The sooner you collect it and leave, the sooner we can get back on topic." Heidi hopped down from her seat and was about to hand the box off to New Kid, before Bebe stopped her.

"Hey, wait a second!" she exclaimed, jumping from her seat and standing in between them both. "We can't just _give it to them_."

' _Why the fuck not?_ ' It's not like the girls needed it for anything, and Cartman wasn't going to let them come back without that stick.

"Why the _fuck_ not?" Craig asked, unknowingly voicing her inner thought.

"Because, that is so _not_ sparkle sunshine!" Bebe answered with narrowed eyes. "You interrupted us in the middle of an important discussion," She looked up at Wendy. "And I move that they first must complete a task for _us_ in exchange for their stick."

"What?!" Craig exclaimed. "That's a bunch of _crap_! The Stick of Truth was ours to begin with, you can't fucking do that!"

"Ya-huh, we can." Bebe corrected. "Right, girls?"

"Yeah!" "Sure can!" "Fuck those guys!"

"You have the final say, Chairwoman Wendy." Heidi said, gripping the box tighter as she backed away from the three visitors. Everyone then turned their gazes upon Wendy, who sat in thought.

"Hmmmm..." she hummed. "Weeeeell...Bebe _is_ correct." she sided. "You did interrupt us unannounced, and we lost precious time because of that. We have other pressing matters to address, and we can't afford that." Wendy picked up her gavel. "I decree, the boys don't get the stick back until they do something for us in return!" She banged it down. "Sparkle sparkle!"

"Sunshine!"

" _Fucking hell_ ," Craig said in exasperarion, this couldn't have just been simple. Could it?

"Bebe," Wendy called. "Since it was you who made the motion, _you_ may grant them their assignment."

"Certainly, fellow Chairwoman." Bebe said. "But first...New Kid?" She stepped closer to her and flirtatiously batted her eyelashes while twirling a piece of her hair. "Do you think I'm hot?" she questioned. This was followed up by a chorus of oos and giggles from the other girls, all while New Kid kept her usual stoic look.

" _What?!_ " Kenny exclaimed, before angrily clenching his fists. " _ **Bitch** , that's my fucking man!" _He was quick to whip a small dagger out from his dress and point it in Bebe's face, who gasped in shock. " _Back the hell up before I fuck you up!_ "

"Holy shit!" Craig exclaimed, holding Kenny back. "Dude, chill out!"

"Oh my god!" Bebe ran back into her seat.

"Well damn," One girl said. "That's why you don't flirt with nobody's man."

"Yeah," Heidi agreed. "You kinda should have kept your fucking mouth shut, Bebe."

"Yeah, you fucking tramp!" Jennie exclaimed.

" _Okay_ girls!" Wendy shouted, getting tired of these outbursts. "Please, try to stay on topic Bebe."

"Ugh, _fine_." Bebe said, with a roll of her eyes. "We have reason to believe that Bobby and Samantha have been dating each other since Septemeber, but he's suppose to be dating _Amber_." Bebe explained to the three. "They never officially broke up, so if what we think is true then that means Samantha is a home wrecking ho!" She shook her head. "But she's still our girlfriend, and we can't just accuse her of being a dirty little skank without any proof. So we want you boys to find out if Bobby and Samantha are really seeing each other behind Amber's back. Help us resolve this, and you'll get your stick back."

"I glitter that idea, Bebe." Wendy smiled. "We can move onto the next item in the query in the meantime." She banged her gavel, and Heidi returned to her chair as well. "Bobby and Samantha have been meeting up in the library everyday after school. You can start there." she continued. "That'll be all now, boys. You have your assignment, get it done and the stick is yours."

Craig sighed as his shoulders sagged, and he dragged himself to the door with New Kid following closely behind. Kenny, however, with the dagger still in hand, swiftly pointed it at Bebe again; almost in a silent warning. She shrieked when he did this, but Kenny made no other move than towards the door without turning his back. Once half his body was out the door, he gave the blond girl one last hard look before slamming it shut.

The three were back out onto the sidewalk again before Craig started speaking. "This is such ass." he complained as they began walking in the direction of the school. "We're not their fucking servants, who the hell cares if Bobby Wilks has two girlfriends?"

" _I know right_?" Kenny said. " _What's wrong with having two girlfriends?_ " Clearly there had been a disconnect on Kenny's part.

"They'll give us the stick back no matter what information we go to them with, right? What if we just say they _are_ dating each other and be done with this mess?" Craig asked her, and she stared him in the eyes as they walked.

" _Nah, they'd probably find out we lied to them eventually_." Kenny answered instead. " _And that would probably just cause trouble farther down the road_."

"Yeah, good point." Craig agreed. "Let's just get this done then, so we can go back to playing."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Before anyone asks, yes Wendy still knows New Kid is a girl. But she isn't going to publically address her as one until she knows New Kid would be okay with that.

Thank you for reading, let me know what you honestly thought! I'd love to know!

 **TBC**


End file.
